I’ve learned it’s good to be insane because that breeds the most “beautiful” art. Frou Frou says “There is beauty in breakdown.” Regina Spektor says “Leaves become most beautiful when they’re about to die.” I’ve been taught to adore my delirium because it breeds my greatest “work”, but I don’t want to live for the journey, I’m not sure I want to be a great artist. I much rather be a happy lover. I much rather live for the destination. I want to find that place where I feel present, safe, and accounted for. I don’t want to be missing anymore. Missing out on my own fucking life, giving the world my guts via art, as Jesse Lacey puts it “Every minute is a mile. I’ve never felt this hallow. I’m an old abandoned church with broken pews and empty aisles. My secrets for a buck. Watch me as I cut myself wide open on this stage. Yes, I am paid to spill my guts. I won’t see home till spring.”
Yes I’m insane. Yes I carry the seed that grows depression and anxiety inside of me. There is no doubting this. But I don’t want to dull it with a pill or glorify it with art. I don’t want to become the artist that all associate with the beauty of their disease. I want to love God! I want to come home! I want to stand outside God’s door and shout “You better start kissing me or else.” as Hafiz suggests. I thought for a long time, maybe up until this very moment, that to do this was to shout from the stoop of a lover. A human incarnation of God wrapped in the flesh of the right brand of woman or man. But I believe I’ve been mistaken. It is also not correct to renounce and praise the lord from under brown or orange robes, I’ve tried that route as well. What then? If not an troubled artist, if not an obsessive compulsive lover, if not a monk, what the fuck is it that I am to be in order to LOVE GOD?!
I always come back to this. When I follow the rabbit hole down to the bottom on the search for home I come to this truth that all I want to do is love God. In AA God can be group of drunks. A part of me thinks I need to think that God stands for generally ourselves duhh! Is the key to the door that stands outside the true sensation of being home really an ardent devotion to loving myself? Oh God I sure hope not. I have no fucking clue how to really do that! I know how to take a bath, smother myself in ayurvedic oil, do some yoga, and listen to celtic music and say I practiced “self-care”. I know how to love myself enough to force myself to call and go out with friends. I know how to buy healthy food and motivate myself to cook it for myself. I know how to bath, acquire shelter, and provide for my basic needs. I know how to help a child survive. I don’t know how to love me right and good. No one taught me that. I’m not sure anyone on this fucking planet knows how to do that. Were so damn distracted with everyone else, or the material, or simply surviving amidst famine, war, hatred, & fear. Have we ever really had a moment on this planet where anyone let alone everyone had the time and space to discover what it means to love oneself. Were all talking about loving our brother, loving our children, our family, our God.
Who preached true self adoration, devotion to the self? Maybe Niche. I think everyone misinterpreted what he had to say and probably because he misinterpreted what he was downloading because he was not really in a place and time where he had the space to receive it. I want to take a moment here to remind myself that I am not on a mission to download how to love the self in order to share that info with everyone else because THAT ISN’T A PRACTICE IN SELF LOVE. That is a mission to save the human race, a global effort for unified healing. Sure that's great and all but I need to figure MYshit out! I need to start with me! How can I go preach anything if I haven’t fully integrated it into my own fucking experience? There in itself is the reality of the matter. No one has effectively taught the human race how to love themselves yet because no one has fully integrated it in one lifetime. And then they have to come back and start all over again. Again reminding myself I’m not gonna be the one to do it in one lifetime so I can save everyone. That is not a self loving mission. To really get this shit done I’ve got to think about me, myself, and I. That’s the crux of the human race. We are not individuals at the base of all life and thus it is practically impossible to practice a love for the individuated reality of the self. On some level we ARE separate and we are also not.
I’ve always just wanted someone else to love me, to make the pain go away, to make it better. It’s easy to find those people in the states because we love Jesus so much and that’s all he taught us to do, “Love thy neighbor”. Did he ever say love thyself?
How the fuck do I really love myself? Like REALLY. I’m ready for the download and I’m ready to focus my energy on integrating and embodying it’s wisdom, everything else must be secondary.